I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
