i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
