I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
