I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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