My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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