So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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