I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
