You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
