one two three fourrrrnication!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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