is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
