I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
