My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
