Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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