In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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