some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
