My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
bring money and cleavage
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
