Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
