just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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