My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
