She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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