I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
