apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
