I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
