Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
