I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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