im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
