I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize