There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
