Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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