I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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