god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
