I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
