Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
