Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I currently don't understand fingers.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
