Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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