First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
