ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
