What did we do last night that was yellow?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
