I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
