our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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