Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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