I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
