I just threw up on my dentist
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
