3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
