Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
