I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
