I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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