the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
