I cannot find my penis.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
