I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
