You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
